Masculinity Again, Feedback Again
Sunday Shorts (25W14): 20250406
Building up my (written) spice tolerance again? 🤷♀️
Things I’ve consumed
Oh, to not be consistently candid. By the way, I consistently tell my best friend to marry someone who he enjoys talking to, because I am the modern Nietzsche1. Although instead of German philosophy, I’ve instead been reading Russian tragedies on my friend’s suggestion, and I am confused why Anna Karenina’s brother, Степан Аркадьевич, lost so many letters in his patronymic within the Penguin Classics translation? I would’ve expected something like “Arkadyevich” instead of “Arkadyich”, but I’m not Russian, so what do I know? Speaking of literary favorites, I learned that my favorite, favorite, *favorite* play, The Picture of Dorian Gray, is now on Broadway! I would watch it again if I could, especially because I’m missing The City.
Things I did
I walked2 around London with an American brat.
Feedback again, but make it feedback about feedback
I wrote about receiving feedback previously, and this week, my ex-of-sorts asked for anonymous3 feedback as his birthday present. I’ve also recently gotten feedback about the feedback I’ve given to others over the years. The closer I am with someone, the more unsolicited feedback I give. I do this in part to maintain the friendship and in part to release this overwhelming need to voice the thoughts with which I am overcome. But oftentimes, I feel this subsequent guilt about my selfish desire for my comfort at the potential expense of theirs. Putting myself in their shoes, I definitely welcome feedback, but only if they’re given with compassionate intent. It’s usually pretty clear when someone is giving you a dogmatic or didactic lecture or a (covert) insult, but I think innocent feedback is often mistaken as judgment or blame – and that’s how relationships are ruined. I usually go with the heuristic that when I receive unsolicited feedback, my feedback-giver is bothered by something (perhaps not even related to me), and I’ve triggered them somehow, so the fact that they said it is more important than what was said, and I should investigate why they said it. The feedback may not necessarily be correct, but it often comes from a well-intentioned place. Anyway, I’m very thankful my friends have interpreted my feedback as a vehicle to help them become a better person, and I’m very thankful for my friends in general.
Masculinity again, but make it a negative spiral
I’ve written about how I’m masculine, how Mark Zuckerberg’s becoming masculine, how my female friends are on average more masculine, and how feminism has made the average male less masculine, so I have a few thoughts on masculinity. And I have many more on gender dynamics, some of which I’ll subject you to right now.
I was listening to an episode of The Diary of a CEO podcast about masculinity (while being a gym bro4), and it made me feel quite…hollow. The takeaway was that young men need help, but the delivery of the message made me feel so pessimistic and demoralized. The state of the world just seems disastrous – disastrous for men and disastrous for women.
It’s that same feeling when you read the news and feel an impending sense of stress and fatalism about a future you cannot seem to control. It’s a negative spiral. The more you look, the more problems you find. I liken the feeling to that of a dying relationship, in which talking about the issue feels bad, but avoiding the issue feels constipating. Most issues are solvable, but most times, talking about the issue is inevitable to solving the issue. But when one or more parties starts spiraling negatively, it all just seems too much, and the relationship breaks. No one is able to be the keeper of another’s emotions.
This is when I might get into asshole territory. Beware that this is a broadly stereotyped rant, and I am generalizing about populations, not individuals.
I think one of the key issues with “masculinity” (or lack thereof) is stunted emotional intelligence for both genders. The way I see it, in the context of emotions, “femininity” concerns the Platonic ideal of a woman’s experience and expression of emotions, and “masculinity” concerns the Platonic ideal of a man’s experience and expression of emotions. Straightforwardly, in women, a high amplitude and frequency in emotion seems socially expected5, although perhaps unwanted and confusing for men. In men, it seems more convoluted. I think the average man confuses “masculinity” as stoicism and avoiding emotion, and I think the average woman confuses “masculinity” as not having emotions. My personal Platonic ideal of “masculinity” is someone who feels but is in control of emotions6.
Unfortunately, I think current societal standards for “masculinity” lead to emotionally repressed men, since their emotions7 are seen negatively. I think emotional repression leads to an inability to understand emotions and to be receptive to emotions. And this leads to a lack of connection.
Everyone wants connection8, and vulnerability (sharing emotions)9 helps build and is an important component of connection. I think men sometimes mistake vulnerability as trauma dumping10, and I think women11 sometimes mistake vulnerability as weakness. Male vulnerability looks different to the female notion of “masculinity” of no emotions12, so as the theory goes, I can see how a negative spiral develops from women wanting more vulnerability from men13, women not knowing how to accept vulnerability when it’s received, men feeling foolish as a result, and men not willing to be vulnerable again. One of the worst feelings is when you’re hoping to be seen, accepted, and understood, but instead you’re punished for your vulnerability. Connection involves receiving vulnerability as much as sharing vulnerability.
I don’t know what’s going on with “masculinity”, but I do think we’re lacking connection.
Jokes.
Kinda.
Although I think it was fairly obvious it was me who gave the feedback xD
To the best of my abilities, although I’m physically limited at the moment…
I am not commenting on whether this is true. I’m simply saying that people seem to expect women to be emotional.
Not only their own, but also those of others
Including positive ones, such as “happiness” (e.g. “he’s too happy”)
Google defines “connection” as “feeling a deep, intimate, and meaningful bond with someone, characterized by sharing feelings, vulnerability, trust, and mutual understanding”. I’m personally not sure how to define “connection”, but I know it when I feel it. And I know you know it when you feel it.
Because it’s how many women connect with each other. Google defines “vulnerability” as “being open and receptive to feelings, especially difficult ones, and allowing yourself to be seen and potentially hurt by others because of it”.
Google defines “trauma dumping” as “sharing traumatic experiences or emotional distress with others in an inappropriate, overwhelming, and often one-sided way, without considering the listener's emotional capacity or boundaries”.
Men also mistake vulnerability for weakness, but I think male vulnerability carries an element of exaggerated weakness.
Plus, emotions can be overwhelming in general.
I’d guess that wanting vulnerability stems from women’s desire to be “special” (or maybe that’s just me 🙂), and one manifestation of this is being privy to the hidden internal states of others.